Mission Local’s weekly column holding Mission cooks, bakers and bartenders to a higher standard – perfection.

It was only as a woman d’un certain âge, as the French say, that I fell hard for croissants. As an impoverished student in France years ago, I was perfectly content with baguettes. But later in life, during a visit to Paris, it happened. I found myself sneaking out early each morning to search the boulangeries for the lightest, flakiest, most delicate croissant.

Tartine should be able to make these. As loyal readers of Perfect (or Not ) know, Chad Robertson makes perfect bread. The transcendent quality of his loaves (would it be blasphemous to call him the Jesus of bread making?) inspired this column.

But even Robertson is human. And not French. Voilà.

Croissants from Tartine and one of its competitors, Knead Patisserie, are supersized. In the interests of science, your faithful reporter whipped out her tape measure to take stock. While it is hard to make comparisons—I would probably have been deported if I’d tried the same thing in Paris—it was clear that both bakeries are pandering to Americans’ love of big helpings.

Tartine’s are lovely and crispy on the outside. Knead’s are crunchy, and excellent conveyances for marmalade or jam. But pull away the crust and in both bakeries’ croissants you’ll find lumps—often doughy lumps that look like they can be squashed into a ball of, yes, fat.

I swallowed hard, and wrapped the tape measure around my waist. Just as I thought! Bon appétit? No!  

That’s how you can tell these croissants aren’t perfect. Perfect croissants, as every Frenchwoman can attest, have no calories.

Anybody have a candidate for the perfect local croissant?