If it feels like all the recent articles about misery and exodus in San Francisco were written by an AI chatbot, rest assured, they were not. That’d be a union violation.
But it’s certainly permissible for you to write one of these articles, with our handy-dandy San Francisco Misery and Exodus Fill-in-the-Blanks (did you know “Mad Libs” is a trademarked term? Surprised us, too).
Follow the form and generate your own article. You can even send it to your friends, your parents, or your parents’ friends. Just click “copy to clipboard” and post it in our comments section or email it to whomever you please.
Create your own
viral
outrageous
funny
hackneyed
silly
San Francisco story
Step 1: Choose a topic
Web app built by Will Jarrett
Very funny additional writing on “Angry Nextdoor Thread” by Walter Thompson
Thank you for an hilarious fill in the blank story generator. I have had more laughs in the last half hour because of that then I have in the whole past week (been a very bad week I’ve come down with covid as a matter of fact! & Then had to quarantine {living in a 23 year old BMW X5 ok?} and isolate in my car through 4/19- Bicycle Day& 4/20- which are largely well attended by my out of town loved ones- annual holidays in my neck of the woods: Upper Haight). A month ago I was just talking to a friend of mine who’s from the Bronx and came here for the first time in the 1990s with Grateful Dead tour- similar to the way I came here in ’90 for the first time. I lived in Newark New Jersey before. He and I were both saying this place is still 10 times better with 10 times less crime then the Bronx or Newark. & Neither one of us are going back. No way. Although, about 2 months ago- at the height of the atmospheric river HELL we homeless had to go through this winter…I really got to say I did consider it- going back to Newark- when I saw that I can rent the same apartment that I was living in there in 2000-2003 for only $900 a month these days & that includes heat , hot water & cooking gas. When I lived there it was more expensive to live in NYC then it was to live out here. Since I’ve been here the opposite has become true. I’m getting tired of living in a car you see & the $1200/month I receive for disability (my work skills only include working with my hands & my left hand doesn’t work at all now since I broke my arm at the wrist & had a botched surgery at SF General that was supposed to set the bones with plates & pins, but instead made me disabled) stands no chance of covering any type of rent here in SF or the near vicinity, unless I get in the fabled affordable housing, that no one we know of that is under 60 has ever gotten into. Ever. Oh, unless you have a child or children that you shouldn’t ought to have had in the first place being so poor. I mean I wasn’t dumb enough to have a child making only a few dollars more than minimum wage at every job I ever had… But yes, if you have a dependent minor child and you are ultra poor here you will get affordable housing eventually if you keep at it. But if you are under 60 and have no children you stand zero chance of getting into affordable housing I am here to tell you.
But in Newark at $900 a month I could go back to living in the apartment that I was living in 23 years ago. But I very quickly came to my senses when I remembered how terrifying the drive-bys were, how isolated I was because of the fact that I was one of maybe 10 people in a building with 60 units who did not speak Spanish as my first and preferred language, how lonely I was surrounded completely by people who did not share my culture,my language nor my interests whatsoever, zero Grateful Dead fans in my North Ward Newark neighborhood, & on top of all that have to deal with winter as a one-handed person (ever tried pushing one of those little two-wheeled granny shopping carts eight blocks to the laundromat down an icy sidewalk during a snow storm? Yah…. Kind of hard to do that with only one working hand…) & thus reliant on public transit cuz I can’t steer a car with just one hand (not nice waiting for the bus in 25°f sleeting HELL). Hard to afford to maintain a car as well on $1,200 a month…..So no, not leaving. At least not until something better comes along. & So far, ain’t nothing better. Even though I live in a 23 year old BMW X5. Even with atmospheric River after atmospheric River after atmospheric River after atmospheric River this past winter. Even though I was cold and miserable in my car for many many many nights and days and nights. Even though the Safeways have never gone back to being 24-hour- not even one single Safeway. Once they took the chess tables out on Market Street: that’s when everything really started to go downhill & get annoying. But no, like I said & like my friend said- still way better than the bad neighborhoods we came from. I like it that the worst neighborhood in San Francisco is still as nice as the best neighborhoods in Newark. Ditto the Bronx. You guys don’t know what crime infested is.
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Boise 18 months ago; she works in the disposable diaper distribution industry, he screws small globules for children.
They dreamed of eating fried scorpion out of apple-stuffed rattlesnake bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding wheelbarrows. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with vaccines and pitchforks; rampant glue-use, and a tent on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received handcuffs .
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the handcuffs in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly raped by deadheads.
Rabinowitz called the Grateful Dead. They told him that they can’t do anything because Josef Stalin won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Hating. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Albuquerque or Lagos, Nigeria. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
I keep coming back here waiting to see a photo of RoDBIgo Santos in handcuffs. Also out of a morbid curiosity to see how long til someone takes down the rest of DBI. Real Big LOL at “file placed in X’s office” …back in April 2017. TBH there’s no point in trying to own a home in SF unless you’re a Friend of DBI; they made life too miserable to enjoy much else about the city. I’ll keep checking back in for that photo of handcuffed RoDBIgo though.
My brother and I were on a muni
Bus laughing and the muni driver
Said it was nice to hear people laugh .
Sf is a character less city. There is
No humor. East Germany on steroids.
Another native leaving.
Moving to Miami.
It’s always the non natives who push this garbage. San Francisco is going through a reset, the startups and so-called techies ruined the chemistry and culture of San Francisco.
Appreciate you, Joe. Thank you SO much for this, I really needed it. I vow to never be suckered into reading another Heather Knight story or Nextdoor post again. Love this city—have lived here 47 years while observing its many ups and downs with open eyes. First and last vehicle break-in: 1977, when I stopped leaving valuables in my car. Last time my car was towed: 1986, when I figured out I needed to read the street signs before parking. As Fran Lebowitz says: “Pretend it’s a city!”
Having traveled far and wide, I’m well aware of what the rest of the world has to offer, and still firmly believe San Francisco is the greatest city on earth. Plan to remain until they wheel me out.
R. Mendozer
Outer Dmv | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the troupadors looking into cars on Ulloa.
I’ve noticed them while gyrating on the way to rolfing every week, and even called the Department of Sanitation. They took four score and seven years to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Leland Yee won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a toenail in the sewer flush near Juri Commons. I’m concerned that small giant sloths could stumble across it and bloviating into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to mansplaining it myself with a sawsall?
Patty O’Furniture
Outer Dmv | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my raven out for his twerking on the way back from buying shiny pennies at the farmer’s market. I have seen several tanks in the vicinity behaving gingerly and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the dipthong who is responsible for bringing all this dentures to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
I love crybabies who diss San Francisco which like all other cities has a crime problem but otherwise is by far the greatest city in America.
I have lived in the Bay Area for 55 years as a child in the sixties relatives would come from all over and I would help my parents give tours of the “Emerald City”. Chinatown, Fisherman’s Wharf, Coit Tower, Golden Gate Park, you name it all magical places. In the 80’s south of Market Hamburger Mary’s, Julie’s Supper Club etc finishing up at Rock and Bowl in the Haight all glorious nights.
Now nothing no magic what so ever just construction, Astro turf in UnionSquare area, Chinatown deserted, dirt, poop, and filth everywhere. No one wants to drive in because cars are broken into, I have my auto glass man on speed dial.
There was a time with Mayor Jordan; Fillmore street was alive with shops restaurants and festivals. Homeless were in check and crime was down.
Now the city is just a wasteland Baghdad by the Bay alright more like Fallujah.
I am heartbroken:(
Definitely not leaving sf. I love this city and I’m here to stay. Still have tons of fun here. Yeah the downtown sucks but the solution is to bring more housing there and get people invested in it. In the very hot summer months when sf is a cool 68 you tell me of people are leaving sf or coming for a respite from global warming.
Not really vibing with this. Why should we make light of a serious issue with how bad our city has gotten? I get it can be annoying that people outside sf think it’s okay to shit on our city but the fact remains there’s problems that need fixing or people will continue to leave.
R. Mendozer
The Sunset | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the the blacks looking into cars on Taravel.
I’ve noticed them while loitering on the way to basketball every week, and even called the Right wing social club. They took 2 hours to show up and told me they can’t do anything because London Breed won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a boba in the sales force tower near Stonestown. I’m concerned that small teens could stumble across it and dance into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to fight it myself with a screwdriver ?
Patty O’Furniture
The Sunset | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my cat out for his shake on the way back from buying cookies at the farmer’s market. I have seen several elephants in the vicinity behaving sexily and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the fat ugly who is responsible for bringing all this poop to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
San Francisco fue mi educación sentimental, le debo la vida, la quiero y la odio, puro barrio, one love, todo son ciclos, la alcaldesa sucks, vendrán tiempos mejores
Campers,
This old Hippie thinks we all came to San Francisco to play parts in each others plays.
Are y’all doing justice to your part ?
Yesterday Katie Porter gave me a hug and signed my cane sign at Manny’s in the rain.
Anything can happen here and usually does.
Go Niners !!
This is a lovely comment! Thank you.
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Walnut Creek 18 months ago; she works in the fashion industry, he nails small dogs for children.
They dreamed of eating biryani out of chicken tikka bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding buses. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with magazines and horses; rampant cannabis-use, and a stakes on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received used diapers .
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the used diapers in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly stole by mormons .
Rabinowitz called the Red Cross. They told him that they can’t do anything because Kevin Mccarthy won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Wearing. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe San Francisco or San Jose. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Concord 18 months ago; she works in the tourism industry, he buildings small druggies for children.
They dreamed of eating donuts out of crab bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding busses. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with stethoscopes and cows; rampant candy-use, and a barbecue fork on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received garbage.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the garbage in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly robbed by cowgirls.
Rabinowitz called the Girl Scouts . They told him that they can’t do anything because Gavin Newsome won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Running. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Honolulu or Ancirage. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Desmoines 18 months ago; she works in the laundry industry, he woods small women for children.
They dreamed of eating asparagus out of lemtils bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding buses. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with needles and cow turds; rampant meth-use, and a shovel on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received penis.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the penis in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly robbed by gang.
Rabinowitz called the Homeless coalition . They told him that they can’t do anything because Dean won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Running. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Oakland or Gstaad. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back
I’ve lived in SF for more than 31 years, my partner more than 40. We’ve loved the city from day 1, but have grown disgusted at how filthy it’s gotten the past few years: drug needles, feces, garbage, and broken glass from car break-ins everywhere. The more politicians pass laws the change the world, the more have neglected the filth and degradation in our own city. They use emotional issues to hoodwink us into repeatedly putting them back in office, even though most of them are not fit to run a dog kennel.
Look to the Mayor. Highest paid in all the nation. Makes podium speeches, carries golden shovels and sheers for photo ops, declares expensive “states of Emergency” where SFPD is paid double and triple overtime. And what do we have to show for it? This Mayor has no plan and no idea how to implement policies or legislation. She is a photo op mayor, and the worst mayor ever.
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from New Orleans 18 months ago; she works in the private investigator industry, he pocket doors small cats for children.
They dreamed of eating crème brulee out of seitan bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding tandem bicycle. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with stethoscope and chickens; rampant vibranium -use, and a sleeping bag on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received dog poop.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the dog poop in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly robbed by church.
Rabinowitz called the Union. They told him that they can’t do anything because Chris Daly won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Smoking. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe San Diego or Houston . Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
Out-of-town publication discovers San Francisco
It’s a tale of two cities. It’s a city of very silky people and very sandpapery people. A city of men retching in their beards outside restaurants selling tomato toast for $80. A city of sharp municipal buses cleverly moving people and urine around town, and sleek black Schrodinger cars moving people and urine around town at a marginally faster clip.
The city where chromium miners flocked in 1977 gave way to the Summer of Distraught and hippies with overflowing elbows gave way to menacing cults and glass high-rises and tech billionaires and owls high on street drugs.
Every city has a Tenderloin, and in San Francisco the Tenderloin is in Seacliff. This is a realm of poverty and misery and chermoula-use. It was that way 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago — but that’s not relevant to my story of today.
Then there’s the white and ethnic Mission District. And there’s also … actually, all of San Francisco’s other neighborhoods, and the vast majority of its people, are irrelevant to any national story.
So, in the end, is San Francisco. El Sob is the new Bronx, says my Schrodinger driver, Francisco (Franco), as we drive to the airport.
R. Mendozer
The Marina | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the landlords looking into cars on Excelsior.
I’ve noticed them while dancing on the way to lifting every week, and even called the the SF Apartment Association. They took 5 hours to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Trump won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a tiny in the toliets near The Endup. I’m concerned that small hammers could stumble across it and skate into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to eat it myself with a tire pump?
Patty O’Furniture
The Marina | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my goldfish out for his drive on the way back from buying pennies at the farmer’s market. I have seen several school buses in the vicinity behaving simply and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the greedy thoughtless moneygrubbing yuppy who is responsible for bringing all this rent check to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
All the money being thrown at the problem, and it never goes away. Where’s the money going? One wonders.
Just think, if everyone of the transplants/colonists actually Left The City, how it would go back to what it was before they all came.
funny stuff, but falls a bit flat for me
the overdoses
the unhoused sleeping on the streets on cold wet nights
the increasing violence, notably yesterday’s probably racially motivated attack at the Stonestown Mall
the increasing violence on transit, people being shot on transit
recent DA candidate John Hamasaki blaming victims of robberies for their rube suburban complaints
the inability of sfusd to prepare students for life or college
so yeah, funny stuff, ha ha, good one.
You’ve left hundreds of comments on this site, so clearly you’ve done your part.
JE
“Done my part”, sorry Joe, I genuinely do not understand what you are saying.
I love this city, I am not leaving, but I cannot blame anyone for being horrified by what goes on on our streets, or what is advocated by our betters.
If there are specific letters here that you object to, please let me know
What is this it looks like a computer system made to start trouble
Can soneone pjease post this on Next Door
Touche.
Yayyyyyy!!! Touche.
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Assburg 18 months ago; she works in the enriched macaroni products industry, he carpets small pancakes for children.
They dreamed of eating pancakes out of cheese bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding medevac helicopters. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with expired magazines and cow patties; rampant dark matter-use, and a coleman stove on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received parking tickets.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the parking tickets in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly libeled by monks.
Rabinowitz called the YMCA. They told him that they can’t do anything because Winston Churchill won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Stomping. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe St. Cloud, Mn or Gary, In. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
This is great. If the Ashkenazi are finally leaving SF, I may stay… I’ve been here for 25+ years, and the past decade of East Coast social media poseurs, ushered in by Zuckerberg and the like, has been insufferable. I hope they all go straight home. Don’t collect $200. Go back home to nana’s kugel. You all turned the Bay Area to s**t.
It’s Bubie’s , not Nana’s kugel….. Which reminds me, where DO you get kugel in SF? I think I had kugel here around maybe 10 years ago and I remember it sucked badly…..
So let me rephrase that: where do you get kugel that doesn’t suck around here?
Dude, why don’t you go back to Idaho where they might put up with your right wing anti-Semitic b.s.
You dont have to like Joe’s views on displacement or politics but there is no room here for that kind of nasty anti-Semitic trolling in our fair city.
That whizzing sound was something going over your head.
Sir or madam —
You can go pick up my San Francisco birth certificate across the street from City Hall the next time you venture downtown to get your antisemitic dog whistle fixed.
“Nana” is Italian, by the way.
JE
San Francisco is reinventing itself once again, and I’m here for that! It’s not for everyone and there is a high bar to participate, but man it’s so awesome to be part of it.
Yes. I’m here too. Anyone that wants to leave, you’re just breathing our precious oxygen. Later.
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Canterbury 18 months ago; she works in the clooth-makyng industry, he carpenters small girdles for children.
They dreamed of eating partrich out of ale bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding hors. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with daggeres and pultrye; rampant gold-use, and a habergeon on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received whelkes.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the whelkes in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly murthered by palmeres.
Rabinowitz called the the ordres foure. They told him that they can’t do anything because The Knyght won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Rollynge. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Londoun or Stratford Atte Bowe. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
R. Mendozer
Cole Valley | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the parents looking into cars on Cole St.
I’ve noticed them while hating on the way to skiing every week, and even called the Board of Supervisors . They took 20 minutes to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Scott Wiener won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a rent in the widow’s peak near The Marina . I’m concerned that small rats could stumble across it and fall into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to poop it myself with a screwdriver ?
Patty O’Furniture
Cole Valley | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my red tailed hawk out for his flies on the way back from buying income at the farmer’s market. I have seen several taxes in the vicinity behaving ugly and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the entitled who is responsible for bringing all this puke to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
R. Mendozer
Linda Mar | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the teachers looking into cars on Terra Nova Blvd.
I’ve noticed them while living on the way to biking every week, and even called the 4-H. They took 15 mins to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Anna Eshoo won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a dinner roll in the cornice near Pacifica Pier. I’m concerned that small hamburgers could stumble across it and leaps into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to sing it myself with a hammer?
Patty O’Furniture
Linda Mar | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my ocelot out for his drive on the way back from buying remote controls at the farmer’s market. I have seen several keyboards in the vicinity behaving happily and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the hideous who is responsible for bringing all this spoiled egg to our literal doorsteps!
R. Mendozer
Duboce Triangle | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the dominoes players looking into cars on Henry.
I’ve noticed them while gesticulating on the way to competitive eating every week, and even called the DTNA. They took 34 hours to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Dean Preston won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a beehive in the gargoyle near Church & Market. I’m concerned that small marsupials could stumble across it and cartwheel into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to mulch it myself with a knitting needle?
Patty O’Furniture
Duboce Triangle | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my quokka out for his scuttle on the way back from buying thimbles at the farmer’s market. I have seen several street mimes in the vicinity behaving tiresomely and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the fancy pants who is responsible for bringing all this snot to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
Out-of-town publication discovers San Francisco
It’s a tale of two cities. It’s a city of very manscaped metrosexual people and very fermented granola people. A city of men drowning in their beards outside restaurants selling radicchio toast for $5. A city of indifferent municipal buses carelessly moving people and urine around town, and sleek black Zeitgeist cars moving people and urine around town at a marginally faster clip.
The city where plutonium miners flocked in 1970 gave way to the Summer of Elation and hippies with radical ojos gave way to prurient cults and glass high-rises and tech billionaires and cats high on street drugs.
Every city has a Tenderloin, and in San Francisco the Tenderloin is in Nob Hill. This is a realm of poverty and misery and acid-use. It was that way 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago — but that’s not relevant to my story of today.
Then there’s the swarthy and sweaty Mission District. And there’s also … actually, all of San Francisco’s other neighborhoods, and the vast majority of its people, are irrelevant to any national story.
So, in the end, is San Francisco. Vallejo is the new Flatbush, says my Zeitgeist driver, Fidel, as we drive to the airport.
Out-of-town publication discovers San Francisco
It’s a tale of two cities. It’s a city of very weird people and very delicious people. A city of men punching in their beards outside restaurants selling bananas toast for $89. A city of loose municipal buses purely moving people and urine around town, and sleek black Schwarz cars moving people and urine around town at a marginally faster clip.
The city where Iron miners flocked in 1918 gave way to the Summer of Jolly and hippies with Green Legs gave way to Long cults and glass high-rises and tech billionaires and possums high on street drugs.
Every city has a Tenderloin, and in San Francisco the Tenderloin is in Coit Tower. This is a realm of poverty and misery and xanax-use. It was that way 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago — but that’s not relevant to my story of today.
Then there’s the goofy and funny Mission District. And there’s also … actually, all of San Francisco’s other neighborhoods, and the vast majority of its people, are irrelevant to any national story.
So, in the end, is San Francisco. Oakland is the new Brooklyn, says my Schwarz driver, Josef, as we drive to the airport.
I’ve been here only since 1997. What you wrote is poetry to me and my people.
The Marina | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the tech bros looking into cars on Chestnut.
I’ve noticed them while buying crypto on the way to smoking gitanes every week, and even called the SF YIMBY. They took 45 minutes to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Dean Preston won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a gnat in the mansard roof near Coit Tower. I’m concerned that small hordes could stumble across it and sidle into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to kick it myself with a microscope?
I might say that every article or post I see about someone giving up on and leaving San Francisco comes from a tunnel of timelessness which could place it in any city anywhere at anytime. I said the same when I fled New York for Seattle at the end of the eighties and New York is still there and I kept finding my way back into West Coast cities. I have been here nearly 25 years now and even with the sidewalk tent a hundred feet from my door in a family neighborhood I no longer question that cities like people go through hard times and good times but they are always moving forward. Downtown will become the home of a new industries hub and the city will fill with energetic young people who have no knowledge or cares about the moaners who have left their wonderful new home behind. San Francisco is a geographical gem which even climate change will probably not crack.
Sarcasm is not lost on you!
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Rancho Cucamonga 18 months ago; she works in the lard industry, he saws small elephants for children.
They dreamed of eating organic cat food out of pine nuts bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding hovercraft. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with nurses and tractors; rampant tumeric-use, and a frying pan on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received tech-bros.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the tech-bros in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly hoodwinked by gaggle.
Rabinowitz called the GrowSF. They told him that they can’t do anything because Breed won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Pogoing. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Walawala or Daly City. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back.
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
This is a sad story. I haven’t been to San Francisco for quite awhile, but reports of surging crime, incivility, and an unbearable cost of living, all simultaneously have surfaced. Whether it’s political, or the ebb and tide of a place or situation, I don’t know. It does point to a lack of prioritization and leadership. Undoubtedly, there are good, caring, intelligent people there, but their voices have been drowned out. Hopefully, the focus and leadership of the future will be on affordability, balance, and safety instead of what has been happening and with a minimal politicization of the issues.
I have lived in Point Richmond for 15 years aboard a derelict rum-runner power by veggie oil. Recently I was informed that I would have to live and take my converted unicycle (crafted from a battery powered eggbeater) elsewhere.
Much like Gerald, I too will be missing the Point.
R. Mendozer
The Mission | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the wine bar patrons looking into cars on 21st.
I’ve noticed them while loitering on the way to milling about every week, and even called the Nextdoor. They took 30 minutes to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Chessa won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a crow in the soccer goal near Jose Coronado Park. I’m concerned that small private school students could stumble across it and dance into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to emote it myself with a bike frame?
Patty O’Furniture
The Mission | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my rescue pittie out for his charge on the way back from buying chihuahua at the farmer’s market. I have seen several coyote in the vicinity behaving friendly and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the blowhard who is responsible for bringing all this dog feces to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
R. Mendozer
Presidio Heights | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the thuggy guys possibly looking into cars on Spruce St.
I’ve noticed them while walking for exercise on the way to the park every week, and even called the Supervisor and Mayor. They took forever to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Socialist Dean Preston won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a lawn that needs mowed in the 100 block near Presidio Wall Playground. I’m concerned that small children could stumble across it and be tempted to go into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to handle it myself with a passive aggressive note?
Patty O’Furniture
Presidio Heights | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my dog that can’t breathe properly out for his walk and on the way back from buying seasonals at the farmer’s market. I have seen several suspicious people in the vicinity behaving like they’re on drugs and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the one who is responsible for bringing all this potential crime to our literal doorsteps.
Wow. Eerie.
JE
R. Mendozer
The Mission | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the techies who skateboard looking into cars on Bartlett Street.
I’ve noticed them while boozing on the way to drinking every week, and even called the Ritual Coffee. They took 2 hours to show up and told me they can’t do anything because Willie Brown won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a apple watch in the rooftop near Dolores Park . I’m concerned that small dogs could stumble across it and dance into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to grab it myself with a machete?
Patty O’Furniture
The Mission | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my penguin out for his snap on the way back from buying pen at the farmer’s market. I have seen several solid state drive in the vicinity behaving fatherly and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the stupid freak who is responsible for bringing all this poop to our literal doorsteps!
R. Mendozer
Lower Sea Cliff | Mar 20
Hi everyone! I’m posting here to draw everyone’s attention to the tooth faries looking into cars on Lonely Avenue.
I’ve noticed them while tranquilizing on the way to olympic curling every week, and even called the SF Public Library. They took 3 to show up and told me they can’t do anything because London Breed won’t let them do their jobs.
I’ve also noticed a ant in the bay windows near Rossi Swimming Pool. I’m concerned that small pigeons could stumble across it and going into it before a parent or guardian could intercede. Any suggestions? Or should I try to shuck and jive it myself with a tweezers?
Patty O’Furniture
Lower Sea Cliff | Mar 20
I saw it too! I saw them while I was taking my hephalump out for his leaving on the way back from buying ants at the farmer’s market. I have seen several pot smokers in the vicinity behaving only and I don’t think they live around here.
Can anyone share doorbell cam video? Maybe we can catch the simp who is responsible for bringing all this slime to our literal doorsteps!
https://missionlocal.com/2023/03/san-francisco-mad-libs-type-game/
Why a botched order at Tartine was the final straw pushing one S.F. couple out of the city
Zoë Heidegger and Jorge Rabinowitz arrived in San Francisco from Bordeaux, France 18 months ago; she works in the goat cheese making industry, he planes small horns for children.
They dreamed of eating liverwurst out of endives bowls, wearing fleece vests and riding escalators. But it all went horribly wrong.
Instead, they were disgusted with streets littered with tongue depressors and swinehunds; rampant tranny fluid-use, and a tent stake on every corner.
And then came the botched brunch order at Tartine. Instead of pain au jambon and a croque monsieur, they received skidmarks.
It was a devastating blow. And to make matters worse, they left the skidmarks in the back seat of their car, where it was promptly embezzled by expats.
Rabinowitz called the Steelworkers union. They told him that they can’t do anything because Newsome won’t let them do their jobs.
Then his car was impounded by the Department of Puking. And then the impound lot was designated a site of special cultural interest by the Historic Preservation Commission, and the car was sealed within.
And that was that. They talked about where they’ll go next. Maybe Fremont or My Tam. Somewhere where crime is against the law.
They won’t be back