Mission Annexes Oakland

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This afternoon Supervisor David Campos announced what the Mission has long suspected.

“This space-constrained community can no longer fit within its current boundaries,” shouted Campos through a megaphone, to an assembled crowd that stretched down Mission Street.  “How many among you dwell in an apartment in which the living room has not been converted to a bedroom? How many among you dare venture out into your own neighborhood on a Friday or Saturday night, knowing full well that each and every bar will be a dense sweaty amoeba of out-of-towners? How many among you dare to venture outside for brunch? Ever?”

The crowd erupted in a roar of assent.

“Scott Weiner and I are in agreement on this,” Campos shouted, raising one fist and shaking it in the air. “We must take Oakland! It shall be ours!”

An impromptu band composed of three mariachis and three bearded hipsters wearing bear suits, struck up a lively tune. The crowd began to twirl arm in arm, dancing. Small children threw flower petals into the air.

Campos remained standing as two assistants in matching jumpsuits unrolled a gilt-edged map of Oakland behind him.

“Our plan for pacification is thus,” said Campos, gesturing towards the map with a bayonet that someone from the crowd had handed up to him. “We pass out It’s It’s and messenger bags to every man, woman and child. And then, on every block we place a taqueria. We place a coffee roastery. We place a bicycle repair shop. We place a grocery store that carries both cheap imported wine and expensive locally-sourced produce, and a Latin American grocery that carries inexpensive produce and cononut-flavored popsicles. We place an arts education nonprofit staffed by earnest people in cynical t-shirts.”

“We place,” he threw open his arms, expansively, “a bacon-wrapped hot dog cart!”

At this the crowd roared so loudly with jublilation that flocks of startled pigeons took flight.

“Today we march on Oakland!” shouted Campos. “Tomorrow, we will all have front yards!”