Basketballs in the air, the buzz, the blue, the yellow, the parties.

You want to jump into the NBA hoopla, so you need to know something. On the other hand, you don’t care to know too much.

For you, and for more serious fans fed up with the local MSM cheerleaders, Mission Local provides the authentic Dubs\Cavs 3.0 Guide for the Perplexed.

What is Dubs\Cavs 3.0?

For the third straight year (3.0), the Golden State Warriors (Dubs) meet the Cleveland Cavaliers (Cavs) for the 2017 National Basketball Association Championship, a best of seven game series.

Where is Golden State?

No one knows for sure, but we’re told it’s a parking lot off 580. BART goes there.

Is the Third Time the Best?

It’s certainly the most over-analyzed.

Who’s the Favorite?

The Dubs. On Nate Silver’s Five-Thirty-Eight, the advanced analytics give the Dubs a 90 percent chance of winning. Then again, how did those advanced analytics work out for you Mrs. Clinton?

Where to Watch in the Mission

Pretty much anywhere – 16th street has become one big sports bar. The usual suspects, including The Phoenix, Napper Tandy and Big Rec Taproom expect to be bonkers. As will old Mission watering holes like Clooney’s, the 500 Club and Dovre Club. Here’s our map.

Who are the Players?

Steph Curry #30, Guard, Dubs. At 6’3”, he is the patron saint of short people. He limped through last year’s Finals before flaming out in Game 7. Now he’s got the chance to trash those Curry-choke memes.

LeBron James #23, Forward, Cavs. Don’t call him an underdog. Don’t call him not the best player on the planet. Ever. Watch him bulldoze his way to the hoop like an MRAP on meth. Only his preposterous ego can stop him.

KD #35, Forward, Dubs. Not Kevin, Not Durant. KD.  Watch KD stretch his long limbs in graceful imitation of SF Ballet’s Yuan Yuan Tan. And then, after you put your eyeballs back in, pray that he doesn’t try to go full Diva.

Kyrie Irving #2, Guard, Cavs. When LeBron needs a break, the Cavs give the ball to Kyrie. Watch him dance down the lane, dribbling the ball between his legs and everybody else’s. On defense, however, he’ll often be off dancing alone.

Klay Thompson #11, Guard, Dubs. A Buddha in basketball shorts. Like it’s all an illusion so WTF. Primary defender against Kyrie Irving? Big deal. In a playoff shooting slump? He seems more worried about taking his dog out for a walk. Klay could be the X factor (or not).

Kevin Love #0, Forward, Cavs. Once an All-Star, Love has become another extra on the Cavs who hang around watching LeBron and Kyrie, hoping for a pass so they can shoot. Kevin’s a nice guy, and for a big slow man, he’s a good shooter. In LeBron’s world though,, Love is an afterthought.

Draymond Green, #23, Forward, Dubs. LeBron punked him in last year’s Finals, and it cost the Dubs a ring. If anybody’s looking for redemption it’s Green. Watch him steal the show.

What to Drink? What to Smoke?
We asked our favorite sommelier, M. YB, to suggest a beer and a weed which would pair well with Dubs\Cavs 3.0.
For weed, he recommends a hybrid with the energy to get you into the game, but doesn’t make you paranoid or feel weird if sitting next to a Cavs fan. His favorite, Kali Dog, from Leafly, has enough uplifting properties to get you home if things go south.
For beer, he recommends a “nice crisp IPA with aggressive hops and a smooth finish.” His favorite brews are Punk or Elvis Juice from Brewdog.

What are the Keys to the Series?

1. Defense

Only one team plays great defense: the Dubs. Watch them run around, stick their hands in Cavs’ faces, steal the ball, or bat it away with their long arms. They make as many jaw-dropping plays on defense as on offense.

Cleveland’s defense is . . . suspect. Watch them “get physical.”

2. 8 x 5

The Cavs’ defense works if the refs are on their side (8 against 5).

They disrupt the Dubs motion by “getting physical.” Which means mugging, hitting, scratching, holding, clawing, elbowing and kneeing Steph Curry as he tries to get open. Last year the refs didn’t call these glaring fouls. Will they this year?

a. Yes. The Dubs have put the refs on notice and the whole world is watching.

b. No. The NBA brass has decided the Dubs are such a good team, they’re bad for business.

3. Turnovers

With all the running around they do on offense, the Dubs are prone to throwing the ball away. When they do, they can beat themselves. With all the running around they do on defense, the Dubs generate turnovers. When they do, they will destroy the Cavs.

4. Triumph of the Will

Who wants it more? No doubt Draymond and the Dubs. But desire and will are two different beasts. Last year, LeBron schooled Green in the cunning arts of the will. Let’s see what he’s learned.

Prediction

Dubs in 5. Unless the Russians hack the series.

Dubs pack the bars, take the trophy

Fans Celebrate with bonfire in the street

Cavs throw Dubs to the dogs

Dubs smash and grab Game 3

Cavs rock, Dubs roll in game two

Dub’s defense steals game one.

NBA finals: a guide for the perplexed.

Where to watch the games

The Mission awaits the finals.