Warriors fever strikes the Mission: A guide for the perplexed

Warriors feverWarriors v Rockets. Outside Bar San Pancho. Photo by Mark Rabine

What’s up? How could you not notice the blue and yellow banners Warriors suddenly waving from shops, homes, cars, bikes, scooters and strollers? Why else would otherwise fashionable citizens wear silly ill-fitting yellow and blue jerseys with the number 30? Why do lovers turn to each other in Dolores Park, whispering the initials “KD” before they kiss?

Are we back in the NBA Finals already?

No. The Finals that start tonight are not final. This series is the Western Conference Finals, the semi-finals.

Why is it worth watching?

It’s a series with a simple, compelling story line: the Golden State Warriors (Dubs) and the Houston Rockets (Rock Heads) are the NBA’s two highest scoring teams. Plus, the collective and individual athletic talent they put on stage rivals the best of the SF Ballet. Expect a tight, tense, highly entertaining series.

Where is the best place in the Mission to watch the games?

Anywhere with a big screen and a raucous vibe. Mission Local will be covering the 16th Street scene.

Matchups: What to drink?

Like last year, the ML Drinks Desk will be looking for an IPA with aggressive hops and a smooth finish. On the non-alcoholic side, the Desk favors Arnold Palmers and Red Bull, though the latter may be excessive in a tight fourth quarter.

Matchups: What to smoke?

The Ganja Desk recommends a strong Indica hybrid that will abate your anxiety so you can ride the Dubs’ rapids and enjoy the show.

Matchups: What to Munch?

Munchies should be healthy, but not “elitist”. Ditch the kale chips, and stock up on Newman’s Own Organic High Protein pretzels to compensate for protein lost through the blood, sweat and tears of a three-hour game. What to eat after the game will depend on who wins.

Give me five phrases I can use to show I’m less of a bandwagon fan than I actually am.

 “Steph (Curry — 30) doesn’t look 100 percent to me. Those 2nd-degree MCL sprains generally take months to fully heal.”

“Why doesn’t Draymond Green (23) kick Clint Cappella (15) in the balls?”

“Once KD (Kevin Durant — 35) gets to his to his spot, he’s unstoppable.”

“I saw Klay (Thompson — 11) practicing his moves without the ball, playing with Rocco (his English bulldog) out at Cesar Chavez dog park.” (optional: “Rocco plays good defense.”)

“I don’t know if I’m more worried about the Dubs’ turnovers or their recent problems hitting three-point shots.”

Give me five phrases I can use to trash-talk my Rockets friends.

“Is it true the Rock Heads were designed by Exxon and funded by the Saudis?”

“The Beard (James Harden — 13) will win the NBA’s Most Annoying Player, hands down.”

“After losing, will CPIII (Chris Paul) take his Art of the Flop to the Tate Modern?”

“Rocco plays better defense than The Beard.”

“What kind of morons build a metropolis over a known floodplain?”

(oops. those in glass houses … )

Who’s Donald Trump rooting for?

Who knows? On the one hand, he hates the Dubs and the Dubs hate him. On the other hand, long-distance tweet wars with Steph Curry make for much better theater than a staid ceremony at the White House with Z Z Top.

Who’s your money on?

 The smart money says the Dubs in 6.

The dumb money says the Dubs in 7.

 

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