Courtesy Hell in the Armory.

Dante Alighieri. Jean Paul Sarte. The creators of  South Park. Many a great artist has contemplated what becomes of the wicked in the afterlife. At the hands of fetish porn purveyors and the avant-cabaret circus group Vau de Vivre Society, Hell is comprised of significant amounts of T&A and fake blood.

This is Hell at the Armory, an erotic haunted house (or “immersive theater experience of horror,” in the words of its organizers) that winds through the bowels of the Armory for some thrills and chills. As you’d expect from the people behind a BDSM website, there’s plenty of naked flesh to ogle and creepy sets, rich with titillating ambience.

A one-hour tour, Hell in the Armory takes guests through Kink’s various themed sets for eight separate horror vignettes. In the course of events, you’ll meet, among others, a deranged doctor, a duplicitous dominatrix, a voodoo queen, ghoulish psychopaths and a party of zombie-types with a penchant for show tunes. If you’re lucky—or not, depending on your kink—a naked vampire woman soaked in blood may lick your face.

Though at times more campy than creepy, the tour, which ends with a claustrophobia-inducing maze in which various freaks startle and screech, is not for the easily shaken. It’s also not for the kids. In addition to full-frontal nudity, the tour contains loud noises, strobe lights, mild torture, tight spaces, blindfolding, fake blood splatter, strangers touching you and various other surprises. If this sounds like hell, and not the fun kind, it may not be for you.

Hell in the Armory runs until November 1st, Tuesday to Saturday, with tours operating from 7pm-12am. Entrance to Hell is $45. For more details visit

Want a look at more Mission Eyes, a video series of interesting events? Check out past episodes here.

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Daniel Hirsch is a freelance writer who has been living in the Mission since 2009. When he's not contributing to Mission Local, he's writing plays, working as an extra for HBO, and/or walking to the top of Bernal Hill.

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